Summer Prom

Of course we couldn't stay in Florida any longer because Summer had her prom the very next day after we flew home. She was so beautiful!! Danny was able to see her in her dress just before he died. He would have been so very proud of the woman she is becoming. Knowing him he probably also would have tried to embarrass her during promenade as well. Undoubtedly, it would have been memorable.

Until Next Time Florida...

Thursday we spent time just relaxing and enjoying the pool and dodging rain drops again. While we were all looking forward to our own beds again, I don't think any of us were truly ready to come back home. This trip was exactly what all of us were needing. We're definitely looking forward to coming back soon.

An Angel From England

Wednesday night while we were waiting for the electrical parade to begin we met a sweet couple from England. My father doesn't know a stranger and soon we found we'd spent quite a time talking to them about their previous visits and what they planned to do this time. Papaw was left in charge of the littles while the big girls went in search of a snack for the kids to have while they enjoyed the parade. We got back just in time and enjoyed the show.

After the parade was over and the street lights came back on this sweet woman came over to say good bye. I stuck my hand out planning to shake hers and tell her how nice it was to meet her. Instead she embraced me in a big old hug and said (in her cute little British accent)  I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Stay strong. I choked back a sob as I was caught so unexpectedly and said, "you know?". She just shook her head in acknowledgement. She said I know exactly what you're going through. I lost my dear husband 3 years ago. It's the pits. I cried and said, "This is so hard." She squeezed me harder and said, "It really is sh*t, isnt' it?" Another big squeeze and she let me go. I was dumbfounded by the exchange that had just transpired, not to mention struggling to get my emotions in check after that. Somehow, in her conversation with my father she had mentioned that the man with her was a friend and that she'd lost her husband. My dad told her that this trip was a step away from reality for the kids and I for the very same reason. I was in complete awe at God's intercession. This trip was the exact reprieve I'd been in desperate need of, but this trip was also a time of real reflection on Danny and all that we'd had and dreams that will never happen now. This single 2 minute interaction is one of the best memories I'll take from this trip.

Magic Kingdom

A day of magic, laughs and more memory making. We went early in the morning knowing we'd make a full day of being there. Spent an entire morning riding and exploring and barely made it through 2 sections. The boys had a great time exploring Tom Sawyer's island and playing in the fort. We caught the character dance parade and had some lunch before we headed back to the house to rest for a bit. Naps, a refreshing swim and full bellies...we were ready for round 2. We rode lots more rides and enjoyed watching the atmosphere with Mickey change as darkness arrived. The park closed at 11 pm that night and we closed it down. The little people and big people were having a blast. It was also much cooler and the ride wait times were much less. The kids enjoyed riding Peter Pan, Winnie the Pooh and all the other rides in Fantasyland.

PS - I forgot to mention that we got stuck on another ride today. Thankfully Ainsley and Papaw weren't on the ride. The rest of us waited about 20 minutes stuck in our little car. Ha! Do you see a pattern yet?

Chillaxing

We spent the following day swimming in our pool and just hanging out. Saturday night we attempted to do Downtown Disney which was a bad idea. Traffic and people and people and traffic. The cool thing was that it was obviously someone's prom and someplace there had been rented out. We got to see lots of pretty dresses and decked out fellas. We went back Tuesday afternoon so the boys could go to the Lego store and the girls could hit the Disney store. We had lunch at the Rainforest Café which was a fun experience for the little kids. We spent that meal reminiscing about Daddy and what it was like the last time we came to Florida and he was with us.

Lego Store

Excited to be at Rainforest Café. Obviously. Look at their faces.

Animal Kingdom

We sure made a memory here! We explored Animal Kingdom the last time when Danny was able to go with us. This time it was much warmer and raining. That's right - raining. It's Florida. A short shower once or twice a day is not uncommon. We went about seeing what we could in between rain showers. Ainsley got to meet Pluto and Goofy. The boys were too cool for it. We attended some fun shows  and road on a safari to see elephants swimming. Aidan got to go on a scavenger hunt while Avery spent time looking at the baby gorillas. Unfortunately while we were watching the gorillas mother nature decided to settle in and water things exceptionally well.

Ready to go!

It's sure hot!

I forgot to mention our little roller coaster hiccup.

Pluto and Goofy
Not sure what to think at first.

Safari

7 month old baby

Completely soaked



Wring your clothes out wet.
 

I forgot to mention that Summer, Avery and I rode Expedition Everest. As seems par for the course, our roller coaster got stuck. At the top! We just sort of hung out holding our breath waiting for the cars to let go and start rolling. Avery wasn't super sure after that. 

Beach Day!

Sunday we took the opportunity to drive to Clearwater to spent the day at the ocean. The whitest sand you could ever see! When we went 2 years ago we went to the Atlantic side. The water was still cold to get in and the sand was gravel like. This time the kids are all old enough to get in the water. Since we went later in the year and to the Gulf side it was an absolute perfect day. There was enough wind to keep you cool and waves galore. The boys learned how to handle the rip tide and exhausted themselves jumping in the waves. Summer and I enjoyed being out where the big people were and tried to figure out how to body surf. We might not have become masters at it, but we swallowed lots of salt water and laughed a ton making memories. Ainsley enjoyed splashing around and playing in the sand, especially with her Papaw and Mamaw. We all managed to have a little more sun than necessary but the vitamin D therapy was great!

The Oasis

Our home on 314 Lockbreeze Drive

Our very own pool and hot tub.

A brand spanking hoopty wagon to drive for the week.

We rented a home like we did the last time we went. A 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom house for less than it would cost for 2 hotel rooms. We absolutely love it! It's the perfect location from nearly everything and the grocery store is less than 2 miles.  Coincidentally, we stayed on the same exact street in the 800 grid when we came with Danny post chemo treatment a little over 2 years ago.

We had our very own pool and hot tub with lots of seating. There was also a covered patio area where we could sit outside to eat. All the pools are screened in so you don't deal with bugs. Our yard looked out into an open field. The first morning we were able to watch those ultra-lite gliders that fly in the air. Multiple mornings we saw hot air balloons taking off. Also lots of wild birds and critters.

I love my Hoopty. She serves our family well and we've taken her all over. But then I got to drive the "new" hoopty. (Gasp!) Holy bells and whistles! It even still smelled brand new.

It was well past dark by the time we landed and got luggage and our vehicle. Poor little Ainsley was fixated on the fact that we'd left her van in Iowa and she was riding in something else. Further more she kept crying "I want our ban!" "I want to go to Florida." The exhausted little girl just couldn't understand that she got on an airplane and was actually in Florida.

I should mention Karma tried to follow us on this trip as well. Not even 24 hours of being in Florida and the air conditioner froze up. It was as hot in the house as it was outside. Thankfully, they had the repair guy there in about 3 hours and our happiness was restored.

We're off!

My last post told you that we were headed to Florida for a little R & R. I was intentional about being with my kids and restricting social media. We had a wonderful time being able to take a break from reality. I took the opportunity to go for a run nearly every morning because there were big people to stay with my little people - not something I get the chance to do at home. The next few posts I'll see what I can do to share some of the ups, downs and periods of reflection we had as we watched how God intervenes for us even when we're not at home.

Loaded up and headed out. Ahead of schedule even!

The little kids thought they were big stuff pulling the luggage.

Excited to ride the airplane.

Florida bound

Selfie!

Being ornery taking her shoes off on the plane.

Vacation

Today is the day.

Today is the day that I finally get the opportunity to check out of life for a bit and just breathe and focus on being mom. We're leaving for Florida today for a little R & R. I've been excited about it because all the kids are excited about it and it's fun to watch. Today, I'm excited for me too! The last couple of weeks I've felt like I've needed a minute to just stop and take a deep breath but no time to do it because of working full time, running a house full time and keeping kids at the appropriate sporting function. Why a woman would ever choose to be a single mom is beyond me! This is hard stuff! I think this break will really allow me to decompress. When we get back I'll be ready to tackle life and whatever it throws at me next.

Thankful for today...

....because yesterday was a fail. Yes, I was productive. I got things checked off my to do list. I could see progress at the end of the day. BUT, I wasn't even close to being the mom I want to be and I told my kids that. Yesterday, we had a real listening problem in this house. We had trouble getting tasks completed when asked and sometimes we were just being plain naughty. That disobedience makes for lots of extra work for the mommy and also contributes to being late for appointments. I lectured and shamed so much yesterday that I felt just plain awful about myself. I found myself telling the kids that this is not the mommy I want to be and that I was sorry. Last night our disobedience kept us up until well past bedtime because of deadlines that had to be hit. Never before have I wished so much that I had a partner in life to help bear the load. Someone who could stay with the kids while I ran those late night errands to avoid extra charges. Someone who could help with bath and bedtime routines. Someone who could help with the house chores and daily operations. Someone to help shoulder the load so that I can wear my "fun mom" hat more often. I miss being able to just play with them as frequently.  I went to bed last night with a heavy heart. I also have a new resolve to change the mommy. I'm thankful today is a new day with a clean slate.

We leave for Florida Friday. It's our opportunity to just check out of life. I'm seeing just how much I truly need this opportunity. The last couple of weeks, I've had some pretty specific patient interactions that were meant just for me. Things continue to happen at home that are just stressful and challenging. Time to check out and just be a mom with 4 kids and no other obligations for a week sounds amazing and is just what my soul needs. I can already tell that when I get back I'll have a new focus and approach. Hopefully, we'll all be a little better prepared to tackle our new life of widowhood and fatherless. What we wouldn't give to have him with us on this trip!

Good grief....isn't always good

Today as I was on the treadmill I picked up my book called Good Grief again. It's been a while since I'd read much of it. The content I covered today was meant for me to read at this point in time. It talked about struggling with the ability to concentrate and make decisions,  what it is to feel overwhelmed,  avoiding people and the necessity of continuing to form new human relationships. 

Overwhelmed sums up my last couple of weeks. Days filled with battling self over continuing to move forward or to break down in a heap and cry. I feel it. The kids feel it too.

I received a message regarding the kindest act displayed out of honor for Danny and his children....One that I'm not ready yet to share as I need time to process the emotion first.

Tonight my heart aches for Danny. ..to the point my chest physically hurts. I'm longing for just one more hug and a half way mumbled I love you. I'm thankful our children are in bed and tonight  I don't have to be strong. I can break down and become that heap for a while. Tomorrow is a new day. Take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other.

Danny loved his family with his whole being. I'm so thankful he is our angel now.

My mantra this week

Can I get a do over please?

Ever wake up and feel like you need to go back to bed to try starting your day over? Me! Today.

Come with me and I'll tell you. I was supposed to teach a class this morning at 10:00 at the hospital. It's not one I usually teach so I was already a little apprehensive about it. Because I'm now a single mother I had no childcare which meant I had 3 cherubs to take along with me. I'd gotten up early. Hit the treadmill. Was completely ready to go. My plan was to sit the kids down for breakfast and then prep for class before we had to go. At 8:30, my phone rang and I learned that they were expecting me then. Snap! Lines of communication apparently got crossed between the schedulers. I still had one kiddo that needed dressed. So we scrambled and got down there as quick as we could. Since I didn't get the chance to prep I really had no idea what it was that I was going to discuss with them.You know what's funny? We ended up discussing how no one is any more/less important than anyone else when it comes to caring for patients no matter your education or certification level. Each and every person has the ability to make a lasting impact. Eversmeyer is teaching us even now. I could feel him smiling down during class.

Fast forward the day a bit. The middle part of our day seemed to go fair. We weren't making huge progress but we were at least treading water. Until....

My oldest came to me and asked, "Mom, where's Ainsley?" Long story short, Little Miss had decided she wanted to go outside and let herself out. Mommy fail!! About the time I was ready to hit the panic button I found her on our neighbor's front porch. Needless to say she received some discipline and a lesson learned. Meanwhile, I just shaved a few years off my life. Sheesh!

Following that fiasco, we sat down together as a family for supper. This is the time you really gotta be prepared for rapid fire, out of no where, tough questions. That and bedtime. We were enjoying our meal talking about the day when Aidan asked me, "Where's dad buried mom?" Dun dun dun. It led to us having a conversation I wasn't quite ready for. I told him that we hadn't buried daddy and reminded him that daddy had been cremated. We refreshed on what that meant exactly. The boys wanted to know if his ashes look like fire pit ashes. Ah the innocence of a child. We talked about how daddy is on top of his dresser right now so he can be close to all of us. Aidan wanted to know if we would bury him someday. I told him likely we would eventually bury daddy with his family in Wapello. This was pretty stressful for Aidan because he "wanted to have someplace to go see daddy" but felt like it should be here close to us so we could go frequently. After discussing that we decided we're glad daddy is with us at home right now. And just like that the subject switched to talking about what daddy was doing in heaven today. The boys decided he was spending his day outside playing ball with Leila and Cooper who are also in heaven. Such a sweet way to think of our daddy today.

And to cap it all off, while I was handling the supper dishes tonight I could hear the kids upstairs playing and laughing. My heart was content listening to them playing so well together. I should have known! I came up the stairs to find that the boys had decided to become tattoo artists and use their bodies as canvas with sharpie marker. Yup! They didn't just cover their arms, they had it all over their faces as well. Somehow in this process they'd managed to get all the clean laundry spread out on the bathroom floor and soaked which now meant I had no clean laundry. Thank goodness for a sweet neighbor to come over and help save my sanity. I tapped Danny's urn and told him I was glad he was having such a laugh over our crazy life today. Goodness knows we could be on a sitcom some days.

On a positive note, I did have someone come measure to fix my concrete steps and someone else to come look at my flooring fiasco.

Today, even though my nerves are frazzled and I feel overwhelmed, I'm so thankful that I got to listen to those kid's belly laughter and to be home with them the last couple of days. I really do have the best kids....even when they drive me to insanity. Thank goodness for hair color!

Tuesday reflections

I returned to work Tuesday fingers crossed I wouldn't have a repeat of Monday's case load. That's the wonderful thing about working in the Emergency Department - no 2 days are the same. I love our physicians and my co-workers are pretty wonderful too. They're really a second family. You never know what sort of stories or information you're going to get at shift change.

This morning happened to be a time of reflection on the impact Danny had had on the staff and their individual memories of him and how difficult it can be to care for family members. Thankfully, for most, when it's a relative or friend that presents and needs emergency care, as a professional you're able to disconnect and render the care. That doesn't mean that you're not rocked by it and that later you don't have to take a minute to gain composure.

The memory that got me first thing this morning? The nurse that cared for Danny when I brought him in for his PE shared the lasting impression that she will forever have of him. Danny had been feeling pretty rotten for a while. He was short of breath and tired all the time. His legs hurt a lot. We mentioned it to his oncology team a number of times and it was always chalked up to the fact he was on chemo. (Later we would learn that simply because he was on chemo he was already prone to blood clots. Nice to know after the fact.) Danny and I had both worked that day. Around 1:00 in the morning, he started to have some real trouble breathing and his pain was out of control so we made a trip to our ED. Like it seems to be so often these days, the department was full and no beds were available. Thankfully, we have the inside connection and still managed to get him someplace where he could try to relax. As we finally got him to a bed and they were able to get to work on solving the mystery, they started asking him lots of questions. This particular nurse said she'll never forget the way he completely placed his trust and life in my hands. With each question she would ask, he would deflect and tell her to ask me because I knew the answer. I think truly he was just in that much pain and already his thought process was frustrating and a challenge for him. He also happened to be very dehydrated and needed fluids. When his fellow paramedics started to look for an IV site on him, he pushed them all away and said "Addie knows. Let her do it." So I ended up starting his IV that morning and helped to get him comfortable finally. That was the ER visit that would land us in Iowa City in intensive care for the large saddle PE.

It goes to show you that perception is different for everyone. What I took away from that particular moment and what others took away from it was individual. For his co-workers, it was chuckling at how Danny was giving orders even when he was sick. For the physician that night, it was reliving the fact that his own father had passed away from a cancerous brain tumor. For the nurse caring for him that night, it was the fact that he had complete faith and trust in me with everything. For me, it was the gut punch that this was real. It was bad. And things were progressing.

I didn't cry just once on this shift. I cried twice. Obviously, hearing stories like this makes my heart explode. Having co-workers offer reassurance throughout the day and at the end of my shift that they have my back and I'm not alone was the second time.

Sure am missing that man and so are all 4 of his kids.

Some days you have to look for the positive.

There are times when frustrations keep piling up and it seems nothing is going right. Those are the days I'm really forced to be intentional of focusing on the positives of life.

We had a very nice weekend making memories with friends and family. Over the course of the last week I feel like I've really been tested. My furnace went out for the second time this winter. The van door quit working and it sounds like it will be a costly repair. The weather stripping came off another door and the sun visor on the passenger side is trying to fall out. This weekend the youngest two have really been struggling with missing daddy and are particularly tearful at bedtime. Sunday night I realized my sewer is backed up. Again! (For those who don't know this was a real fiasco for us in the fall.) Monday I worked a long shift with some trying cases and was blessed with yet another blossoming cold. Sometimes it feels like it just doesn't end. Complain, complain, complain. Who likes to listen to someone who only sees the negative and never finds the positive? Monday I found myself giving myself this talk.

My Monday positive? Through the process of Danny's disease progressing and his eventual passing there was a gal whom I really connected with. She continued to reach out, was incredibly supportive and we'd made plans to get together when the weather turned nice. The week I went back to work after the funeral, her husband died suddenly and completely unexpected. He was 58 and very healthy. Suddenly, we found ourselves bonding on a new level as we now are both widows and are not yet part of the white hair widow club. This is not to say that it is any less difficult to grieve for a spouse when you're elderly because it's not. We're both just at a completely different stage in life. Well, she happened to pop in while I was still at work. We were able to hug and laugh and cry together for a short while. We were able to share in our faith and compare our God stories in how He's had a plan all along and continues to show us both His presence. After the last few days of frustrations, she was exactly what I needed at that moment. Thanks for having my back God!

.......and still one of these days I'll get through a shift with no tears. Haha.

It finally happened.

We can check another first off our list. The first time I was asked "Where's your husband?". Yep. (big sad face here) A well intentioned person at church on Sunday turned around to greet my family and asked where my husband was. Poor Summer was standing right there. Insert moment of awkwardness. I kindly filled her in on the last few months of our lives. She couldn't get over how beautiful Summer was and what a blessing she is to our family.
....so thankful that's over! Moving forward...

Easter Sunday = Family Fun Day

Happy Easter to all of you!

We had a day of being blessed to attend church and spend the day with our family. We had lunch together and enjoyed the warm weather. Easter egg hunts, rocket launching, playing king of the mountain, digging in the dirt, flying kites, four wheeling and shooting trap. A great day of therapy I'd say. The day was made even better because Summer was able to come be with us for a good portion of the day. I learned that I'm still a country girl at heart despite city living. I think I may have also found a new hobby. I'm by no means any good at shooting a gun. However, it's great for taking care of frustrations - just blow something up. If that doesn't sound redneck, nothing will. The point is we had a really great day today!

All 4 of the kiddos have really struggled in missing Daddy this weekend. We've spent time snuggling and talking about him. Easter marks another first without him. Can you imagine what Easter must be like in heaven?!

One more win today ... my personal IT tech support (my brother) came and whipped my printer problem back in to shape. Bring on Monday! I'm ready to tackle you.

He is Risen!

His Blessings...

...are new every morning. Truth!
Today, I whooped my nemesis Technology. Figured out how to reset my iPad and then proceeded to sweat it out on the treadmill for a while. An early start to a brand new day and I was winning!!

The kids and I visited our local fire department to support them in their annual pancake breakfast. Danny always loved attending this event and supporting his local guys. Volunteer firefighting was where he got his start in helping others. His daddy had been on the fire department and he remembered going to meetings at a young age with him. Leonard died of brain cancer just a few days short of Danny's 8th birthday. Following in his dad's footsteps was something he'd always dreamed of doing. I suppose in a way it made him feel closer to his dad.

I managed to wrangle 3 children and 3 plates of food to the table without any disasters. I have some of the best kids. They got many compliments on how well behaved they were. We only received a few sympathetic stares from those who knew that it was awkward for us as Danny wasn't with us.

From there we participated in our hospital's Easter egg hunt and then headed to Morning Sun to have a picnic with a very dear family. Mike was a childhood friend of Danny's and was closer than a brother to Danny as his cancer progressed. Religiously, Mike came to see Danny every Sunday after church. Danny looked forward to it but so did the kids and I. If ever there was a Sunday that Mike missed our entire week was off on the wrong foot. Mike has an angel of a wife Sherrie who has been a godsend and a good natured son who allows the boys to wrestle on him. We walked in to their house, Mike came and gave me a hug and said "how you doing besides being overwhelmed?" That guy....without me even saying it knew exactly how I'd been feeling this week. Sherrie and I spent time talking about loss and dealing with grief as well as she'd recently lost a dear soul unexpectedly. We had the best afternoon, being outside, just enjoying time supporting each other as we're all learning how to find life again after losing Danny. I am so thankful that we have adopted family like them.

You ever have one of those days...

.....when the devil is so very obviously trying to wreck your day? Welcome my last 24 hours.

Yesterday I spent a good portion of my day in a mandatory training session. I came home hoping to attack my to do list and still get some things accomplished. I have some documents that need printed off for my attorney and accountant. Sounds pretty simple right? Except that one of my cherubs has done something to the printer so that the tension is offset when drawing papers in to the printer thus a paper jam with every click of the print button. No problem. Danny had a printer as well. Figured I'd just quick install it and be on my way....but technology and I aren't friends. So no dice! By now I'm running out of business hours and am stressing. It's pretty bad when my kids acknowledge that "mommy's frustrated" -- I'm not proud of this. I scrambled to get my bills paid and get to the bank before they closed. Then home to deal with some more legal stuff. And....oh shoot.....Aidan has baseball practice and I haven't fed him yet. I forgot to mention that I'd made a quick trip to Walmart to get lights for the kids new school desks......except the base didn't fit. Really?!?! I should've just quit while I was ahead.

I figured a good night's rest would be all I needed. I knew I was emotional from being exhausted from the week's shifts. The tears were just right at the surface most of the night. Really I just wanted a glass of wine and a good cry. I skipped both and fought sleep most of the night.

This morning I thought I'd hit the treadmill and get some good endorphins from sweating out my frustrations. Oh, but wait. My ipad which I know had a charge last night won't turn on. It's completely dead. Won't charge. Nothing. Like I said ....me and technology....not friends. I turned to Danny's ipad thinking I'd quick install Netflix or ABC, but his account has been locked which means I need to deploy my hacking skills yet again. Forget it, I'll just go do a Jillian Michaels dvd and sweat that way. But, the cherubs didn't put the dvd remote back so I'm stuck yet again at not being successful. By then, my blood pressure is up, I'm frustrated and ready to just stinking cry....again. 9:30 this morning and I was beyond ticked off at the devil. He and I had a few choice words after that. I am not a depressed or anxious person. I don't thrive on daily drama and I don't like feeling like this. Sigh. The many faces of grief.

The kids and I spent the day in North Liberty with Kara and the boys today. Man, did we need it! She always has just the right words of encouragement when I need them. She's been an amazing cheerleader for me. It was nice to sit and just have girl talk and no agenda for a change. While we were there, I received a sweet message via Facebook as well. Again, I'm reminded at just how viral this blog has the potential to be. I'm thankful that it's been helpful to others as it's been quite therapeutic for me to just put my thoughts down. I'm glad my kids will one day be able to look back at how strong we were in battling through grief and finding ourselves again.

Tonight, as the kids and I were sitting at the dinner table we were talking about our favorite parts of the day. One of the kids said to me "Mom, my favorite part of the day was just getting to spend time with you." Instantly, my heart melted. Tonight, we plan to be lazy and watch a movie. No doubt we'll be in bed early. For the first time in a few days I finally feel relaxed. It feels amazing! Deep breath. Tomorrow will be a new day and the devil isn't going to win!

Not enough

Do you ever notice that the roller coaster seems to have more hills and valleys when you're tired? I'm sure noticing that today. I've worked three 12 hours shifts in a row this week. They were rewarding but they were hard and long. Today I sat through some mandatory training.

I. Am. Tired. Exhausted really. I've missed my babies something fierce! Three in a row isn't hard on just me. It's hard on them too. I'm thankful there are some people out there offering us fantastic childcare.

Today I started off having slept well, running on the treadmill and all in all feeling like I was ready to conquer the day. Being still in a chair trying to focus on a subject that doesn't catch my interest is hard though. By the time I got home I was struggling with being frustrated. I realize why I need the class, but it's been beautiful out the last 3 days and I haven't seen my kids. I could've had those 8 hours with them today.

I got home and just felt overwhelmed. Because I've been gone so much this week, the housework has suffered. My "to do" list is growing by leaps and bounds. It's hard to know where to start. Throw in a few hiccups and interactions and suddenly I'm feeling like I'm not enough. I can't seem to keep up. I can't keep up with work. I'm stretched at home trying to keep up the house. The boys have started baseball this week as well. So now we'll be running more. (I'm thankful they're playing)

I try to keep reminding myself that I'm just incredibly tired and that's why I'm struggling with feeling inadequate tonight. What I really want is a glass of wine and time for a good cry.

Take a deep breath. Tomorrow is a new day with an opportunity for a reset.

Summer

Summer is on her junior choir trip to Nashville. Today she sang in Memphis. My best friend Katie and her family drove up from Mississippi to watch her perform today.

This!

Two out of three shifts this week there has been some sort of interaction that touches my heart deeply. I continue to find more and more enjoyment out of my job and being able to serve others.

Today, I had the opportunity to care for a patient and his mother. It doesn't really matter what the case was. What matters is the interaction that took place. At one point, the patient's mother asked me my name. Occasionally the name badge gets flipped around without realizing it. So I told her my name was Addie. I could tell she had something she wanted to say as she started to open her mouth and then change her mind multiple times. She excused herself from the room and left. This of course left me wracking my brain trying to figure out what I'd done to upset them. As I walked back to the nurse' station, I noticed she was standing there talking to my co-worker. I soon learned she'd been waiting for me.

She proceeded to stop me, grab my arm and cry. "I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Your husband took care of my Jerry. (Her husband died of cancer about 4 years ago if I remember correctly.) He was the only one who could ever get Jerry to do anything. He was such a stubborn man. But your husband was just amazing with him. He was so good at his job." She went on to say that she'd tried to write many cards to us but that her hand writing is very poor and it was just too hard emotionally. The entire time she told me her story she just held on to my arm. As she neared the end she said "I just really want to give you a hug." And she did. Such a sweet, sweet woman who has suffered much in life with loss and hardship and yet here she was offering me these words of encouragement.

She went back to the room to join her son, while I worked to keep my composure and take some deep breaths. You just never know what the day is going to hold or who you'll have the privilege to serve and impact. My heart swelled with emotion of all sorts. It allowed me to reflect on what an amazing paramedic Danny really was. He knew his stuff and his bedside manner was superb. His patients loved him. I'm so proud of him and his life's work. He continues to impact lives even though he's gone. How lucky am I that he was mine for 14 years?