I returned to work Tuesday fingers crossed I wouldn't have a repeat of Monday's case load. That's the wonderful thing about working in the Emergency Department - no 2 days are the same. I love our physicians and my co-workers are pretty wonderful too. They're really a second family. You never know what sort of stories or information you're going to get at shift change.
This morning happened to be a time of reflection on the impact Danny had had on the staff and their individual memories of him and how difficult it can be to care for family members. Thankfully, for most, when it's a relative or friend that presents and needs emergency care, as a professional you're able to disconnect and render the care. That doesn't mean that you're not rocked by it and that later you don't have to take a minute to gain composure.
The memory that got me first thing this morning? The nurse that cared for Danny when I brought him in for his PE shared the lasting impression that she will forever have of him. Danny had been feeling pretty rotten for a while. He was short of breath and tired all the time. His legs hurt a lot. We mentioned it to his oncology team a number of times and it was always chalked up to the fact he was on chemo. (Later we would learn that simply because he was on chemo he was already prone to blood clots. Nice to know after the fact.) Danny and I had both worked that day. Around 1:00 in the morning, he started to have some real trouble breathing and his pain was out of control so we made a trip to our ED. Like it seems to be so often these days, the department was full and no beds were available. Thankfully, we have the inside connection and still managed to get him someplace where he could try to relax. As we finally got him to a bed and they were able to get to work on solving the mystery, they started asking him lots of questions. This particular nurse said she'll never forget the way he completely placed his trust and life in my hands. With each question she would ask, he would deflect and tell her to ask me because I knew the answer. I think truly he was just in that much pain and already his thought process was frustrating and a challenge for him. He also happened to be very dehydrated and needed fluids. When his fellow paramedics started to look for an IV site on him, he pushed them all away and said "Addie knows. Let her do it." So I ended up starting his IV that morning and helped to get him comfortable finally. That was the ER visit that would land us in Iowa City in intensive care for the large saddle PE.
It goes to show you that perception is different for everyone. What I took away from that particular moment and what others took away from it was individual. For his co-workers, it was chuckling at how Danny was giving orders even when he was sick. For the physician that night, it was reliving the fact that his own father had passed away from a cancerous brain tumor. For the nurse caring for him that night, it was the fact that he had complete faith and trust in me with everything. For me, it was the gut punch that this was real. It was bad. And things were progressing.
I didn't cry just once on this shift. I cried twice. Obviously, hearing stories like this makes my heart explode. Having co-workers offer reassurance throughout the day and at the end of my shift that they have my back and I'm not alone was the second time.
Sure am missing that man and so are all 4 of his kids.
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