Most days at this point I do pretty well getting through work without it being a water works display. Then there are days like today. They clip along. It's been a long week and by halfway through the shift I'm already watching the clock. And then it happens completely unexpectedly. I walk down to do a patient intake and find our angel Brenda standing there with the patient. Brenda was the bath aid that came to care for Danny. She was the one who handled him and his sassiness when he really didn't think he needed help. She was the one who always took extra time to talk to the kids and answer their endless questions so it wasn't scary. She was the one who always made sure Danny got the back rub and royal treatment when he couldn't do it for himself. She was the one who came to care for him a matter of hours before he died. She took the time to cut his nails and shave his face. He looked so handsome despite is all and he smelled so good. I crawled up next to him when she was done and just stayed with him after that.
It was so so sweet to see her today. She gave the best hug and instantly we both had tears. I'm so thankful I got to see her but now I'm in a serious battle with myself to hold it together. Those memories are fiercely assaulting my memory. Funny what you try to compartmentalize and just forget about. This patient today is in the same room that Danny was in when we found out that he had a blood clot in his lungs too. Ugh! Maybe one of my co-workers was right. Maybe I do need to find a job away from here in order to truly heal. Working here doesn't ever allow me to get away from any of it. While there may be days that that's comforting, days like today are an immense struggle.
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