This week has had ups and downs and lots of in betweens. I had Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday off this week. Those days were jam packed with to do lists, school days, chores, errands, social outings etc. You name it. We crammed it in there. I feel like I'm slowly sinking while trying to tread water. It took my trainer pointing it out to me on Thursday. I can only keep this pace for so long before I'll drown. I find I'm reflecting on that.
Why do I push like this? It always feels like if I could just get one more thing accomplished I'd finally be able to breath easier. But that one more thing remains elusive which leaves me with the ever pressing feeling I must race the clock to get more accomplished. When you're spread so thin you can't do even the simplest things well.
Finances have just been looming over my head. I keep saying to myself it won't be much longer but it feels like that carrot is always dangling just out of reach. Our bills have been in default for a while now. I finally took my 'pay up sucker' letter to the bank yesterday to handle Danny's checking account. That of course leads to more signatures and hurdles to go through - not to mention the blaring reality of the fact that he's gone! I also worked on getting his life insurance deposited.....the kicker.....the funds still won't be immediately available. So I still won't be paying things off and squaring up debt until next week at least. Our long term disability carrier also "happened to have a glitch in their system they weren't aware of until yesterday". Convenient since they still owe a fair amount to Danny for LTD. Thank goodness for a wonderful HR lady fighting that battle for me. I'm not going to hold my breath, but maybe by the end of next week I'll be able to catch that carrot finally.
Of course leave it to God to still show that He's got our backs. I got home from work tonight to clean out my pockets only to find that someone had left a very crisp $100 bill in my jacket. I don't know who you are but THANK YOU! Our groceries will be taken care of for another week. What a tremendous blessing!
Taxes are looming too. Typically I've had our taxes done and filed by February at the latest. These days it seems impossible to find time to load the program and get started. I'm fooling no one by blaming it completely on that though. It's going to be incredibly odd filling all that information out. Because it reflects last years earnings I'm going to be entering data as if Danny is still here. It just seems so wrong and quite frankly is an emotional mess I haven't wanted to confront yet. It's a catch 22. I know the sooner I have it done the better I'll feel because it will be one more deadline that's taken care of.
I don't know where I heard it or who told me, but Kori reminded me yesterday that week 8 is sometimes when it gets real hard. Hello?! Does this help to explain what the heck is going on with my emotions this week?
Our house has had some real unrest this week despite having so much fun and experiencing so many things. The kids got to go with Miss Kelsey to a big park on Sunday. Monday she took them to the circus. Tuesday they had a playdate and I had dinner with friends. Wednesday we went to Iowa City. Thursday we had dinner with a wonderful family who helped us get through another Thursday at 6:30. Last night I ended up with 3 children and a dog in my bed. There wasn't a whole lot of sleeping going on...at least not for me.
Today one of my first patients? A cancer patient! I find myself consistently asking God.... why me? I realize I'm sensitive to this and it's not like we've never had cancer patients through the ED before. Now I'm just hyperaware of it. And yet someone posed the question to me today.....have you figured out where your nursing career will take you now? Maybe God is trying to tell you something with all these patients you're seeing. You can relate to them in a way no one else here can. So tonight I find I'm looking to God for his direction on what His will truly is for my life and praying that He'll use me where He needs me most. . I don't have to like taking care of all the cancer patients but there sure seems to be a reason I get the privilege of taking care of the ones I come in contact with.
Tonight I have tired children again. It sounds like they've initiated Chase to the trampoline world today. Ha! As I tucked them in though, they're restless. Aidan is tearful because his head hurts which typically means he's overly tired or analyzing things too much. Avery and Ainsley have been slow to settle in. While I've been sitting with Ainsley I can hear Avery singing his own songs. And then I hear it......"Everybuddy has a Daaaaddy.......so they can live haaaapily". He proceeds to sing that same line over and over and then his tears come. He's singing through his tears. I couldn't help but to gather him up and snuggle. Ainsley tagged in on the tears and agreed with her brother that she too missed her daddy. Avery snuggled in and talked about just how much he was missing his daddy tonight. These are the nights that just seem so incredibly unfair.... 
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