Tough.

Today has been incredibly difficult for me. The last two mornings I've woken with a headache. I was only up once last night to let Chase out and felt like I'd slept well overall. Yet  I woke up feeling completely exhausted. As I went about starting my day I noticed I was in a funk. It made me more aware of myself. I have never had as down of a day as I had today - not even during Danny's illness do I remember feeling this bad. Welcome to the various stages of grieving.

I'm very grateful for my children because if it weren't for them today would have been a day I likely would have stayed in bed which is complete opposite of who I am. But my pillows and blanket have been beckoning me today. All I feel like doing is crying - especially this morning. Why?

That's what I keep asking myself. Why? Today isn't a Thursday. It's not a 6:36 pm. It's not a 29th. There's no other significance to this day. We've had a good week. We've kept ourselves busy. Busy equals great distraction for this house. I've had dinner with girlfriend both Sunday and Tuesday this week already. I've been seeing my trainer and exercising. So why? I feel like I'm doing things right. I'm doing my best to take care of self and the kids and all my other obligations. But why today? Why do I feel like this?

 Recognizing that I've been through a lot in the last 2 months, that I'm still in fact grieving and that staying in this mindset is unhealthy I'm determined to see to it that I don't feel this way again tomorrow.

I got a good, hard workout in with my trainer this afternoon. Those endorphins were helpful. Then we went to North Liberty tonight to have dinner with Andrew and Kara and to  allow the mommies a little time to go to Brush and Barrel to try our hand painting a canvas without any kid interruptions. (see follow up post)