Two days in a row now I've found myself feeling changed. It's hard to describe really. Growing?Content? Happy? Peaceful? Is it real? Yesterday I caught myself a few times wondering....is this how it's supposed to feel? That we can laugh? That I could truly enjoy my kids this much? Today I found I had moments of feeling the same way. It's as though I finally have won the race against the clock for once. I can just take a minute to breath and not feel the weight of the world weighing so heavily on my shoulders.
I didn't realize how much the last 3 years had turned me in to that. The person always racing the clock. The person whose cell phone becomes another appendage because what if 'the' call comes. The person trying to coordinate way too many things and juggle way too many balls at one time. My therapist told me that the reason my brain felt so foggy at first was because I'd lost my purpose as I had gotten used to being all those things. As I started to figure out life and my purpose the fog would lift and I would find clarity again. I wouldn't say I'm there but days like the last 2 leave me feeling encouraged about what God has in store for our little family.
Tonight I had the best confirmation and testimony that Danny's life was not for nothing. We all want to know why bad things happen to good people? Why does cancer have to be so unbiased? Why did it have to happen to Danny? Why do 4 children now have to live life without a father? Sadly, we're not in a unique situation. Many other 'good' people have left behind young families. As Danny's sister said it so well to me the other day we have 2 choices - A) we can take the hand we've been dealt, rise above it and become better for having lived through it. B) we can become bitter and end up being the victim who is unable to move forward. Such truth to that! So while we all have our moments of yelling "WHY?", there is good happening even in Danny's death. Because of the impact he's had on other's lives, I learned tonight of a sweet friend who has really struggled with the why. Today as that friend was witnessed to they chose to hand their life over to God. Can you imagine the number of sirens Danny set off in heaven when that decision was made?!?! What a party it must have been! So while we still grieve for Danny our grief is changing. It's the path we must take and it comes from the love we had and continue to have for him. God Bless!
That!
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