Reflecting

It takes time to work through grief. Something I think I'm starting to put my finger on is why I feel so different after a Fenstermaker get together versus an Eversmeyer get together. Slowly, I think I'm starting to understand it or at least in my own mind reason it out a bit. Next is figuring out how to address it and move forward in a healthy manner.

It's pretty safe to say at this point, that I tend to be more comfortable with Jo and her family. This has had me puzzled for the longest time. I seem to get more quiet and reserved with my side and usual end up being pretty sad. Yesterday, it finally came to me. While my family has been super supportive and they're absolutely there in any way they can be it's not the same. My parents have recently built a home and they're moving closer to their goal of having a hobby farm. Lots of dreaming and happy places going on there. My brother and his wife purchased a camper last summer and most recently announced they're going to be new home owners. Lots of dreaming and happy going on there too. I realize this may be a grandiose painting in my mind of rainbows and sunshine for their worlds and undoubtedly they all have their own challenges and struggles that I don't see. When I see them though, I see complete. They each have their own partner to go home to. Their family is whole. Mine is not. Mine is fractured and I go home to an empty bed. Yes, they are understanding and exceptionally forgiving for my unpredictable Eeyore emotions. At the same time, neither of them are directly impacted by the loss the kids and I are trying to wade through. I'm very thankful they work to try to keep things normal for us and when the kids or I are struggling they try to remain upbeat.

In comparison, when we're with Jo's family I find I relax. Yes, her family unit is complete. Yes, I feel at times like they have lots of dreaming and happy places going on. At the same time, Jo is directly impacted. She lost her brother. While it's not exactly the same she understand the complete random attacks of emotions triggered by absolutely nothing. She's sympathetic when I text her that I'm struggling. We endured multiple doctors visits together with Danny. We heard bad news together and as a unit worked to find best treatment options for Danny. I guess you could use the old adage that we endured the trenches together. There's something to be said about that.

I'm in a better place finally having been able to put my finger on why they is occurring. As I said before the next challenge is figuring out how to navigate through it. I want to move through this grief stage and be able to make happy memories with all our family. Time is a gift - the most precious gift a person can give to their family. I don't want to waste it.