Flying solo - first take!

It's Monday and that means lots of things for me. Last week I spent the week trying to knock out the legalities of Danny's passing. My hope was that it would allow me to just focus on being mom this week. Sooner or later, life is going to settle down and I'm going to have to figure out what flying solo is all about.

So I went to bed last night with great anticipation and goals for the new day. My dear sweet Ainsley wasn't feeling well though and spent a large majority of the night crying and being consoled. Fitbit says I was awake 3x and restless 33x. Not exactly the start I'd hoped for when I closed my eyes. Ha! But I love those snuggles and someday they won't need as many so I'm not complaining.

I did manage to get Avery to preschool on time. Score! I even managed to get Aidan started on school at a decent hour. Monday is usually a big chore day in our house and for the most part I had things well on their way by mid-morning. Winning! I have an appointment with my therapist today. So my mom popped in a little early and gave me a boost in accomplishing my checklist for the day.

I was really ready to see my therapist today. Last week when I saw him we talked at length about anger and the grieving process. Although I didn't feel angry, it was obvious as I talked that what I was saying could be interpreted as angry. I learned how to work through the anger and made a choice that the hurt I was dealing with was not something I wanted to dwell on any longer. It was a waste of energy and hindered me processing through grief. Can I tell you how much better I felt when I consciously made the choice to let it go? (The Frozen song just shot through my head!)

Today I was anxious to share the last weeks experiences and see what sort of input he would have to offer. We addressed my sleeping difficulties and the vivid unwanted dreams I've been having. We discussed my ingrained need to protect my children and why I respond the way I do when I feel that's threatened. It's neither good nor bad but wasn't something I was aware of until we met. I put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself. Likely, my anger stage has peaked and will slowly dissipate.

And, now, lucky me, I'm entering the bargaining stage of grief. A time when you say if I had this to do over again I would do it this way instead. Or, I wronged Danny in this way so now I'm going to make it right in compensating for it like this. And on and on. It might not make sense to you, but it made complete sense to me. There are definitely thoughts I've had that would fit in to this category. Bargaining opens the door for depression, guilt and regrets which is scary and I can completely relate to depending on the day. The key here is that I have to get to a point that I'm ok with moving on with life. (I'm a long ways from feeling like that at the moment.) I have to get to the point that I realize and accept I won't get the chance to repeat history anymore. I have to accept that I'm a single mom now and embrace what the new role holds for us. Ugh! I'm not sure I like this stage of grief. No part of me wants to move on even though I know it's unhealthy to hold on so tightly to the past. Neither do I want to dwell in depression and regret though either.

I'm learning that each individual's grieving process is different. My grieving process has been a 3+ year ordeal. When cancer entered our world and my brief research said it would only be a matter of time, my grieving process started then. The kids will grieve differently as well as they're not able to remember life when Daddy was healthy and able to daily interact with us. Ainsley is the one who spent the least amount of time with Danny and yet so far seems to have the most of him in her. Funny how God works isn't it? Ainsley is the one who seems to be able to see him or say things at just the right time that makes you wonder what gift she may have. Then again, just the other day she was hollering to heaven trying to have a conversation with her Daddy and getting frustrated when he wouldn't answer her back. Out of the mouths of babes...

I'll leave you with this last thought for the day....
I remember reading something recently that talked about having joy. There are a lot of things we don't have control of and sometimes circumstances get really cruddy. It's easy to become angry, hurt, or whatever other adjective you'd like to insert here. Through it all though, you still have the power to choose joy. The last 38 months have been anything but joyful in our house and yet, while I'm sad and heartbroken to the core, I still have so many blessings and things to be joyful about.