I was up at 0400 today when Chase decided he needed a potty break. Since we were in a new environment staying at the farm he wasn't sleeping well and neither were Ainsley and I. I couldn't get back to sleep so decided to journal everything that was on my mind at that moment. A little over an hour later I contemplated whether it was even worth trying to sleep knowing that the cherubs would be up in a matter of an hour or so. Nonetheless, I laid my head down and tried. Next thing I know I'm waking from a sweet dream with a smile on my face. I can't recall what the dream was specifically but it involved Danny and our world was peaceful and happy. It was one of those dreams that you try really hard to will yourself back to sleep because you want to see how the dream ends.
We had a great breakfast and leisurely morning with Mamaw and Papaw before grabbing Summer and heading over to Jo's. First I needed a shower though and since I've had this aversion to being out in public my body wash ran out which left me with no choice but to use the body wash Danny had been using up until a couple of hours before he died. It's one of those scents that I'll forever associate with him. Definitely left me missing him.
Being with Jo and family is the closest thing we can get to being whole again. It feels therapeutic for all of us I think. The ladies got to enjoy the newest member of the family for a couple of hours while the boys and Uncle John did "man" stuff and played with the 4 wheeler and sled. We topped the night off by sending a lantern to daddy via the air. I have yet to figure out how to rip videos off of Facebook to insert here so for now you'll have to check out my page to see the video. All day today I've been hearing his mischievous chuckle when he knew he was up to no good....and that smile that always accompanied it.....what I wouldn't give to hear that one more time. I know he's looking down on us tonight and that he enjoyed seeing our lantern as much as we enjoyed sending it to him. It sure took a long time to get to him. Maybe Avery was right in his drawing the other day when he drew a picture and said heaven was long.
Tonight the kids are exhausted. All 3 of them were in bed and asleep before 2000. I find myself trying to figure out what to do. This house is spooky creepy empty tonight. It's the first night the 3 littles and I have been home alone since Danny died. I don't like it one bit. I don't like the way I feel right now and I don't like what it means.....he's really truly gone. I've resorted to trying some melatonin for now to see if it will help.
Tomorrow feels like we're all being shoved back in to reality. It had to come sooner or later but hiding out for the last week ends now. Jo will be going back to work. Summer is going back to school. Avery is headed back to preschool and Aidan will be resuming his studies as well. Tomorrow is a new day. A new beginning to finding out what our new normal will look like.
For now, I'm going to go back to dozing and trying to chase down that sweet dream again. Rest well friends.
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