No right words

I had things to journal about today but the last 30 minutes spent with my 3 angels has trumped it all. My heart is so completely broken for them. It was bedtime at 8:30 and I'd just finished tucking the boys in and following our nightly ritual. And then I hear...."Daddy loves you very much." Aidan had been snuggling his bear with Danny's voice recorded in to it. This led Avery to find his horse and deploy Daddy's voice in his. As he listened to it, he hugged that horse tight and started to cry those big crocodile tears. "I miss Daddy, Mommy." Ugh! These are the times that I could shake my fist at the heavens and scream "This isn't fair God!!"

I'm thankful we still have a queen size bed set up in the boys' room. The four of us snuggled up and cried it out for a bit. We talked about how it's okay to be sad and that mommy has times she's sad and cries too. Crying helps our hearts to heal. Some days we miss daddy terribly bad and other days it's not as hard. Daddy would understand why we're sad right now but that he wouldn't want us to be sad forever. We talked about how he'll always be our daddy and no one can take that away from him or us. He'll always be our number one and he's missing us right now too. We talked about Daddy visiting with Granny and God and that he was finally getting to see his own daddy again.

We talked about how Daddy's brain and his words got super mixed up and how he struggled. He had a hard time getting their names right and at the end couldn't remember mommy's name at all but that didn't mean he loved us any less. We were his world!

The boys both cried about wanting a new dad and feeling ready for him already. We talked about God's plan for us and that only He knows what the future holds. We talked about the potential of a step-dad and what we wanted him to be, how we wanted him to love us, and how we wanted him to support our love for our Daddy no matter what. We talked about mommy not being ready quite yet for that.

We talked about eventually having to go through daddy's clothes but that mommy wasn't ready to think about all those memories yet and that I hoped to turn his shirts in to quilts for us to remember him by.

Avery said he was embarrassed because all the other kids in his preschool class have dads and that so far Aiden and Kohen are the only ones who even understand. Aidan talked about the dreams he has about Daddy - some of them are scary and that's why he comes to my bed in the middle of the night and others are good.

We talked and we talked and then we prayed together as a family. I love that no question is off limits and these conversations are so brutally innocent and raw. But tonight....saying prayers and trying to be thankful to God when I'm dealing with 4 shattered hearts on this bed.....it's a terribly tough thing. Because tonight....I'm shaking my fist as the heavens saying "Why God?" "Why us?" "Why Danny?" At the same time I realize there is a plan. It's a plan that we don't know and don't have to understand. It only requires leaning on your faith.  Tonight I'm struggling to take that leap of faith and rest in trust because I've wiped the tears off 4 faces who have hearts with an enormous void. And yet I do find peace in knowing that our future is already planned and that God understands my heart even now.